Family Triggers

Halloween just ended and that means we are entering the holidays! What does that mean for most of us? Family and/or friend gatherings! Some have wonderful relationships with their family and close friends, but others have nothing but triggers of negative emotions.

What are triggers exactly? Triggers are when a situation, smell, taste, or something else causes a reaction in you. Positive triggers can take you back to a nice picnic you had with your family when you were a child, for example. It can leave you with a sense of peace and the fond memories can make you feel good.

However, on the flip side, certain triggers can take you back to a moment where something not so pleasant happened. For example, maybe you dropped a mug, when you were young, and you got smacked upside the head for it then got yelled at. Every time you drop a mug or plate, you may flinch just from that memory. Or worse, if you had a very traumatic experience, these triggers may send you into complete panic mode. 

A lot of the time, when a memory is triggered, you may not really have that memory run through your head. Instead, your brain will remember and immediately sends out a distress signal to stop you from going any further. Your brain will try to save you from certain possible distress and/or disaster.

[I was born and raised in Japan, but after graduating 6th grade in ‘92 and ending 7th grade in ‘93, I lived in Denver, Colorado. Just before moving to Denver, I bought my first CD after being given a stereo. It was Mariah Carey’s Music Box album. I listened to her album over and over again for a few months, then took it to Denver with me and listened to it over and over again for the entire year. Of course, I listened to other artists and music, but that CD was all I had other than the radio. Going back to Japan in ‘93, I got more CDs, thanks to my dad. Since I had new music, including Mariah Carey’s new music, I stopped listening to Music Box. I would occasionally hear it in a mall or on the radio and it immediately sent me back to my room in Denver. I could almost smell the old carpet.] 

That was my first trigger I consciously experienced. I knew it took me back and there was neither a good or a bad memory to this trigger. I guess it was more good than bad, because that was the last time I got to see my grandmother. I had fond memories as well as bad, but the fact that I have memories of being with her is a treasure.

[My brother and I lived in Japan, after leaving Denver, Colorado until 2006. Before becoming adults and moving out of our house there, we lived with dad and our stepmother. Our stepmother was an extremely mentally abusive person. She thought she was helpful, but in all reality, what she did was far from it. 

My brother had to move in with me 10 years after moving back to the United States, in 2016. That was an interesting experience. The first year of him moving in everything he did triggered me and everything I did triggered him. Our stepmother used to put her breakfast in a blender, which I do not remember, but I blended my breakfast during the time my brother moved in and it took him back to the house that made us miserable.]

Because we are talking about family, who we can count on to not hold back any remarks, things will be said. Unfortunately, they will not ever think they are doing anything wrong. They have no idea how much they are hurting you. Either, they don’t care if it hurts you even a little bit, or they actually enjoy the rise they get from you. Again, all so unconscious, so they have no idea.

How do you deal with a situation like that? We, as human beings, put a lot of meaning to almost everything. You may have a pair of earrings your mother gave you or a watch that may have been handed down for generations. Those things can be precious and it is wonderful you have such things. 

However, we do not need to put meaning to words. It is easy to say sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but words will never hurt me, but it is so hard to actually implement. It is hard to ignore the words from your mother who has never uttered a complement in your entire life. Every word she said and will ever say to you will always trigger the little girl or boy inside you that never received the motherly-love you craved and still crave. 

During those days you had absolutely no control over the situation. You were a child and there was nothing you could do or say to make anything better and you had nowhere to go to get away. Now, as an adult, your reactions are your desperate reach for control, by trying to have them feel the same pain they caused in you. It is the only way to gain some kind of control.

This year, before anyone comes, try thinking about what triggers you have with your family. Feel into that anger, acknowledge the feelings you have towards them. You do not have to fully comprehend it, just feel it and acknowledge its existence in you. Let your emotions run its course. You will find you will not be as reactive.

Also, know that you absolutely have no control over anything, but yourself. See your family and know that their shit is not on you. You can love them from afar and just observe and know that they are hurting no one but themselves and be happy that you feel lighter, because you are not holding them accountable for your distress any longer.

Like everything else, consistency is key. You will forget, but have something that will remind you that their problem is not your responsibility; that no matter what you do they will never change; that you have nothing to prove and therefore you can just be.

Did you know that pet peeves are triggers as well?

[One of my pet peeves was having things not put back to where they were found and just left out. One of my husband’s pet peeves is hair left in the sink or the shower drain. The good news is when we started dating, we decided our pet peeves were our own and agreed to take care of it ourselves since we notice it more than the other. There is no bad news, but recently I found out pet peeves become a pet peeve, because we have learned it somewhere and it is a sign of disrespect.

My “put things back where you found them” pet peeve was learned from my dad. If I didn’t do it, it would be disrespecting my dad. That got passed on into my adulthood.

My husband’s “hair in the drain” pet peeve was from living with his ex-wife who was horrible to him. On top of being a horrible person, she never did anything in the house so seeing hair in the drain was one of few things that triggered him back to when he was still married to her.]

[My pet peeve, though… Especially after becoming a massage therapist, this one particular item’s disappearance drove me wild! My husband regularly cut his toenails in the garage and would leave the clippers in the cup holder of the chair, but I made a home for it in one of the drawers in the bathroom. Every time I went looking for it it would be missing… 

Needless to say, I would get it, cut my nails, then put it back in the drawer where it belongs. I didn’t just do it, though. Every time I would remind him where the clippers belong. “Oh yea, ok.” Two weeks or so later it would happen again. “BABE! The clippers belong in the bathroom drawer!” “Oh yea, Ok.” OMG…..

I had to remind myself this was my thing and not his. He wasn’t going to think about it like I did. So I bought another pair of clippers. I showed it to him and told him those were mine and the ones that keep relocating to his chair are his. “No touchy these clippers!” (my exact words). Problem solved! 

But then it disappeared again…. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot…. (in case you don’t know: WTF…) I approached him about it. I am sure you can imagine how nice and sweet I was. His response was: “yours are so nice, though”. I tossed his pair and bought him exactly what I got…. Seriously!!!]